4w1d (15 dpo!)

So I meant to do this on the 4 week but got a little busy.

How far along? today is 4w1d
Total weight gain: down 7 pounds from IVF transfer, normal weight :)

Maternity clothes?! bought the first ones online!

Stretch marks? nope!.

Sleep: awful. been unable to sleep since 3w5d. bah:/

Miss anything? pumkin beer

Movement: cramping. major cramping

Food cravings: mexican- but I always want mexican

Anything making you queasy or sick: first thing in the morning.

Gender: leaning towards girl ever since we saw the blastocyst. lol I know it's crazy

Labor signs: I may delete or ignore this until much much later.

Symptoms: exhaustion. extreme exhaustion. charlie-horse cramps in feet, muscle fatigue

Belly button in or out? In 

Wedding rings on or off? On.

Happy or moody most of the time: generally happy

Looking forward to: beta appointments and feeling secure about this pregnancy.

4 weeks!!!!

We are officially 4 weeks pregnant! The time to beat is 6 weeks 1 day. I told DH once we hit that point, I will calm a bit. in the meantime, every cramp makes me freak out that we are losing little Bee.  I peed on a stick (POAS) this afternoon- it was darker but not as dark as I would expect for missing 2 days in between the last. I know I am silly though because it's still a really strong positive for 14dpo.

See.. not much darker but I know at this point, it's moot. It's a strong positive which should be good enough..

tomorrow is beta day!! I am so nervous. I am aiming for >60.

uhh 8dp5dt?

I actually thought it was 7dp5dt. time is flying! We are almost at the 4 week mark!! and most importantly, we are almost to beta test day.
now because I am impatient, we already know I got my bfp.. so now it's just waiting until we get those numbers back Monday afternoon. I am so worried that we will lose this little Bee.

speaking of, hubster and I named it Bee. Baby Embryo Eight. It was our eighth little embryo that ended up being the bestest. :) the name also works since being in Georgia, you either root for the dawgs or the jackets, and this household roots for the Yellow Jackets, so baby Bee it is! I think we'll stay that way for a while if Bee continues to grow, I want to have a gender neutral pregnancy and nursery.

In other news, Bee has been doing something down there! I feel light cramping off and on all day and after a good walk (no running yet, per the RE!) I get really strong cramps. I think Bee likes the extra blood flow. Other symptoms.. metallic taste. swollen boobs, and nausea. The last 2 days I have gotten extremely nauseated in the morning. It seems to dissipate by 10am but from 8:15-10am I am totally sick. The only other symptom per se is the constipation. serious constipation. it stinks. That may be from the progesterone shots.  which I HATE HATE HATE.

Hubster has started to hate them too. they hurt!! the actual progesterone doesn't hurt, but the needle is FREAKING huge and the oil just sits in your muscle, making it very sore.
So with PIO (progesterone-in-oil), you're supposed to inject the needle, and pull up to see if you've hit a vein.

 see the blood? this is bad.

you're supposed to stop and replace the needle.. aka 2 sticks. Well my RE's nurse told me this was fairly rare, but in the 12 days of progesterone shots, hubster has hit the vein TWICE. it was a blood massacre. I bled like a stuck pig. PIO sucks. I even warm it before injecting. still sucks. My hips HUUUURT.

5dp5dt..

so it's 5 days after our 5 day blastocyst transfer.. 5dp5dt. and let's face it, I am a POAS addict, so we knew I wasn't going to last until Monday. The biggest issue is that I had to get up and pee 4-5x during the night so my FMU was horribly diluted. and we know my FMU sucks from previous cycles.

what's a girl to do?

afternoon pee :)

and I may have super cheated and tested yesterday.. lol

so, the top strip is yesterday afternoon. barely a line.. but still a line. part of me wondered if it was still trigger shot.
but the bottom.. that's from this afternoon. definitely darker. so I think this means there must be something in there making more hcg!!

sticky baby, stick!

2dp5dt: Exhaustion

so we're 2 days after my 5 day transfer aka 2dp5dt. or 7dpo. 7 days past ovulation. or in this case, retrieval. infertility is full of ridiculous acronyms.

so, today was filled with exhaustion. everything took way too much energy. and my mood is all over the place. I am just so angry. bah.

PIO
Progesterone-in-oil has become the bane of my existence. my hips are KILLING me. tonight is our 7th injection and I don't know which side hurts less. I cannot wait to be done with them. I just pray that we get pregnant and it's worth the pain.

so symptoms? lol hip pain, back pain, exhaustion, and full uterus feeling. other than that.. everything is great. lol I just gotta get through this week.

Transfer day

So today was the moment we've been waiting for... Transfer day! Up until now we've been in the dark about our embryos. The only thing we knew is that they were doing well since we had a 5 day transfer scheduled instead of 3.

So before the transfer, they require you to drink 40 Oz of water. You have you have a mega full bladder. Like painfully full.

The embryologist came in to deliver the news.. Of our 8 fertilized eggs, all 8 were alive.  One was a morula but the rest are gorgeous 4aa blastocysts. The doctor was dumbfounded. They've never seen that success rate before. Since we had 7 fantastic choices, we opted to only transfer one and freeze the other 6.

Here it is.. Our perfect little blastocyst. It's sitting safely in me, making us officially PUPO! Or pregnant until proven otherwise. Lol

the waiting game

I got the call this morning postponing our transfer from 3 day embryo to 5 day blastocyst. My nurse assured me this was a good thing. so now we wait for Friday.. :) So I leave you with The Word.

Psalm 29:11 The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.

Ephesians 1:17-19I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people,  and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength.

and lastly,
Romans 5:3-5[We] know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Fertilization Report is In!!

so.. to recap, we had 8 mature eggs retrieved yesterday morning. I actually felt really good out of anesthesia. When we got home hubster made me chicken noodle soup and I felt a tad bit nausea but nothing too bad.  I was sore walking around and it was hard to get up and down but I maybe **maybe** could have actually gone to work or done something light. until 6pm. around 6pm, I hurt. It was a crampy pain. so I went to bed.

Today I feel good. Sore, but good. I am still taking the day off work. I want to just relax and have some "me" time.  I will probably go get a pedicure. or manicure. or maybe both.

Now the moment you have been waiting for..
At 8:30am this morning, my phone was ringing. To which my first response was "who is calling me this early?" Then I remembered.. fertilization report! OMG. I dove for the phone and it was my favorite nurse. She reported that of our 8 mature eggs, 8 were fertilized. by ICSI.
I think I was was taken back. Yeah, I should have been happy that all 8 fertilized.. but the by ICSI caught me off guard- does this mean there is an egg issue? a sperm issue? is this why we can't get pregnant? She then said someone will call me tomorrow to schedule my day 3 transfer. another red flag.

Fortunately there are people wiser than me and the girls in my support forum offered fantastic advice. And the truth of it is, we have 8 fertilized eggs. That's amazing. They also said it's probably a day 3 transfer just due to the number of embryos <10. And I guess secondly, there is no telling what's ahead on this rollercoaster and I just need to be positive :)

egg retrieval- check!

so Friday at 9pm, hubster gave me the HCG shot. It was intramuscular and the needle was 2 inches long and I just didn't have it in me to to it myself (not to mention it needed to go in my hip/butt area.. lol).

Saturday was uneventful. I actually felt less big and bloated and sore than I had all week.

That brings us to today- egg retrieval day!
We woke up super early so we could be at the clinic 1.5 hours prior to surgery and fill out all the crazy paperwork and such. The nurse got the IV in and next thing I knew I was awake and eggless!

So the results...
On friday, I had 12 follicles (but 2 were only 1.0cm, and one was 1.3cm) and my estrogen was 2200.

Going into surgery, I kinda hoped the 1.3cm would catch up and maybe be big enough. But apparently not.  They got 8 mature eggs. I feel mixed on that number. based on the mature follicle size, I thought we would get 9 maybe 10. All last night I was freaked out that I was already ovulating the biggest ones (2.4cm and 2.2cm) and that we were going to lose them.

I know I should be happy with the 8- that's a really good number, but I know that not all will fertilize and I am starting to doubt if we will get enough to have a frozen cycle.

Recovery wise- I feel really good. I probably could actually go to work tomorrow. but I won't :) I get a little nauseated when I walk around too much but I am not in pain.

Tomorrow we get the fertilization report. Pray that we have some good little embryos!

Blood #6/Scan#6!

uh oh!! notice it doesn't say stim day 12!!!! we did the ganirelix this morning but no PM bravelle today!!
instead we're triggering & starting the antibiotic.

Yes you read that right! It's the light at the end of the tunnel! We trigger tonight at 9pm sharp for a 9:00am egg retrieval on Sunday!!

We have 11 follicles, but unfortunately the little one from yesterday is still at 1.0cm and the 1.2 shrunk to 1.0. So while we "have 11" we probably have 9 or so. I'll take it! My goal was 8. So while we are behind schedule, we are ahead on deliverables. :-P

The nurse drew bullseyes on my hips for hubby to make sure he hits the right zones. I am super excited and nervous. Here we go........!

stims day 11: blood #5/scan#5

yes it's day 11. yes I was supposed to only have 10 days of stims.. and yet here we are. but! unlike yesterday, my spirits are lifted and the end is so close!!

So the skinny:
we have 11 follicles!!!

Right (4 follicles):
2.1
1.6
1.5
1.5

Left (7):
5 are >1.5
1.2
1.0

So if we were to trigger today, we'd probably lose the 2 small ones. I am hoping that the 1.2 will be a 1.4 or so tomorrow. but the most exciting news.. my estrogen was 1880!! woohoo! it finally started to increase again after being stagnant. I was really starting to worry that we had some empty follicles or something.

so the plan: stim today (b+g), stim tomorrow (b+g), trigger tomorrow night!, egg retrieval sunday, and let 'em grow!

I am very excited. so say we get 10 eggs and only 9 are mature or something, and of those only 7 fertilise, that means that we can transfer 1-2, and freeze 5. and even if only 3 of those were to thaw okay, that's still enough for 1-2 frozen cycles. WOOT! I am elated/excited/hopeful.

stims day 10: blood #4/scan #4

so it's day 10.. which should have been my last day of stims. but of course my body would have other plans.
so I frantically called the pharmacies (yes multiple, because my insurance sucks :) ) to try and get enough meds to last until the doctor thinks we MAY be able to trigger. BAH

so a fast 600$ later.. and now I have 2 more days of stims. woohoo. yay for 4 extra shots.
I didn't get the full report today, but I still have 10 follicles that are growing and my estrogen was 1400. she said we will most likely trigger Friday. that better turn into 100% trigger BY Friday. I am not express ordering any more drugs and Saturday trigger just can't work with my schedule. so I am going to ask the doc if we trigger Friday for a Sunday egg collection how many follicles I could be compromising.

so tentative plans (if I get my way):
Thursday (11): more b/w and scanning, continue bravelle + ganirelix
Friday (12): more b/w and scanning, b + g, PM trigger, start antibiotic
Saturday (13): rest :) and antibiotic
Sunday (14): egg retrieval! and antibiotic
Monday (15): antibiotic and start progesterone. get fertility report
Tuesday (16): wait (and progesterone)
Wednesday (17): first potential transfer date (3dt)
Friday (19): second transfer date (5dt)

so not ideal, but a HECK more ideal than if we have a Monday egg collection.

stim day 9: blood #3/ scan #3

so I haven't done the bravelle yet but I am mixed emotions.

The good:
we have 10 follicles of measurable size!
4 on the right
6 on the left
( I had a work meeting so I couldn't stay around for the differential)

The meh:
my estrogen was 1200.. which is good that we probably won't have OHSS and a frosty cycle, and it's bad that my eggs are maturing super slow.

The bad:
we will not be triggering tomorrow. and I have to order more meds. which means more money and more shots. and more time. and if no trigger tomorrow, that means we will probably have to do egg collection Sunday or Monday which means I will have to take extra days off work and reschedule my meetings. and Monday collection means Saturday transfer which we will be out of town. so now everything just gets more complicated and I am so beyond stressed out.

so yay for 10 eggs kinda but mostly not good news.

stim day 8: blood #2/ scan #2

I opened my last box of Bravelle tonight! WOOT! so updates..
So after talking to the nurse this morning about "running out of belly room" she asked to see my tummy and told me that I can inject a little lower. So tonight, I did the bravelle in her suggested area and amazingly, no pain. Woohoo!!

We had our stim day 8 scan this morning and the results are in!

my four little follicles have turned into... 8!!!

Right ovary:
1.6
1.4
1.2

Left ovary:
1.4
1.2
1.0
1.0
1.0

So because my estrogen last time for 4 follicles (which I found out today were 1.2, 1.0, 1.0 and 1.0- half right, half left) was 700 I got the OHSS lecture. Basically, if my estrogen looked comparable, we were looking at a frosty only cycle and we would transfer once the OHSS subsided. joy. So I spent the next 5 hours pacing until my nurse called. and my estrogen was >1100! 

unfortunately,  I have to go back tomorrow to see how things are progressing. They were shocked that my 1.2 follicle from Saturday became a 1.6 follicle today. They are thinking weekend egg retrieval which stinks. I was hoping for Friday.. also they said they may need to do stims for 11 days instead of 10 :( oh well! To tomorrow!

Bloated belly bruises (and lap scar)

stim day 7

today was rather uneventful. as of yesterday, we are now on two shots a day and my poor belly just can't take it. I am running outta space to inject.
oh and the bloat. I have avoided the scale like a plague but last night hubster and I wanted to go out to dinner at one of our favorite spots and I couldn't fit into my jeans! I have a pair of fat pants from a few years back and they were TIGHT. that was really depressing.

so this morning at 7am we did the ganirelix- which isn't fun. it's hard to get the needle to go in and 5 minutes after injecting it STINGS. so no going back to sleep for me. Tonight's bravelle was uneventful. I finally have that one figured out.. minus the whole there is no where left on my belly that isn't sore.

I have been mega bloated all day and every time I move, step, walk I feel everything. I feel like my insides are about to explode. I am praying that means we have some eggies going on. Tomorrow AM I go in for my preop appt with the Dr, and I'll get another scan and bloods. very very nervous. If we only have 4 eggies again, I will probably breakdown.

given my full feeling, I am slightly starting to worry that we will trigger before Wednesday.. ugh. I just need to make it to Wednesday. I cannot miss work Thursday for the egg retrieval.

blood draw #1 results

so after a defeated morning, I was anxiously awaiting the doctor to call with my blood levels from this morning...
**drum roll please**
my estrogen was over 700!!! The doctor said that I have to have more than 4 follicles based on that number and their size. this made me SO relieved. so the cycle is definitely forging ahead and! the greatest news is that I don't have to be scanned or have my blood drawn tomorrow! my poor little vein could use a day of rest.

AND! because the estrogen level was high we got to start our 2nd injection...

BOOM! and it comes prefilled but the needle seems to resist you as you inject it? it's strange. so from now on, we will inject this at ~7am and still do bravelle at 6pm. two injections a day. at least with >4 follicles I feel like it's worth it.

Scan #1

at 8am this morning we had our first stim scan.
I was hoping that the meds worked. and if all went according to plan, we would be starting our second medication today..
but of course my body was like "hahha, fooled you!" and we only got 4 lousy, tiny follicles.

the good:
4 is better that one, or none.
none is a lead follicle
"it's still really early"

so the nurse drew blood to check on my estrogen levels and I get to go back tomorrow morning at 8am to do it all over. I am very underwhelmed. 4 sucks. normally 6 is what good responders see after 5 days of stims. I am worried that my treatment isn't aggressive enough. I feel like the doctor discounts me because of my age and tells me that my hormone levels look really good- yet I responded poorly to all the other fertility drugs so why would I respond any different to this one. I am so frustrated.

day 5 down! woot half way!!

so I just did my day 5 shot!! unlike yesterday, today's shot was smooth sailing. no pain, no blood vessels. woot! and we initially planned for 10 days of stims, which makes us HALF WAY!!

I definitely am starting to feel pressure/bloating down there, so I am hoping for a good scan. Tomorrow.. in T-minus 13 hours is my first scan!! We will get an idea of how the meds were working and what kind of follicles we're getting. woohoo!

stim day 4

T-minus 36 hours until my first monitoring appointment! I am super nervous to find out if all these drugs have been working. I feeeeel like there is stuff going on, but I have felt this way before only for disappointment. If I have things my way (which I won't because my body has a mind of it's own..) the schedule would go like such:

Saturday (6): u/s bloodwork, bravelle + start ganirellix
Sunday (7): u/s bw, b + g
Monday (8): u/s bw, b + g
Tuesday (9): u/s bw, b + g
Wednesday (10): u/s bw, b + g *TRIGGER*
Thursday (11): NO SHOTS!!
Friday (12): egg retrieval
Sat/Sun/Mon (13-15): recover
and transfer a beautiful 5 day blastocyst on Wednesday (sept 17).

What will probably happen is we will go in Saturday and have a lacklust scan, the doc will say "stay the course" and if we're REALLY unlucky, we will order more drugs and keep stimming, or we will just "wait it out" and not end up triggering until Friday or Saturday, and I will have to take off a TON of work for egg retrieval and recovery. I suppose I should just be happy if we have >2 eggs.

So stim day 4: I held it together much better. this morning I felt a little weepy but didn't break a single tear. I just took the bravelle and I think I hit a vein or something. it hurt SO bad and seriously bled for a while. not cool.

Here's to 200$ into my belly! Ignore the lap scar and fat indentation from my pants :-P

stim day 3

so I finally mastered the self injections. tonight's was easy and painless. did I just say that? wow.
unfortunately, I think the hormones have finally reach crazy status. I just broke down and cried HARD for about an hour.
I am just so anxious.
I fear we won't get any eggs.
Or that we will only get 1 egg.
And that one egg won't fertilize. or grow. or expand.
I fear that we have spent all this money and hope and will get nothing.
I fear that all these injections and crazy moods will be for nothing.

but I know it's not for nothing. I guess it could be worse.
We could still be doing the same thing over and over expecting new results.
And maybe even if this fails, we will have new answers.

Philippeans 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I am just going to lift up all these anxieties to the Lord and know that he is in control.

stim day 2!

so today was day 2 of my injections and it went MUCH better than yesterday. stabbing is definitely the way to go! so excited for this.

And it begins!

It's September 1st aka the first day of stims! We are starting with just one injection- Bravelle 2 vials. You're supposed to pick a time and do it every day at the same time. I decided on 6:15.
so at 6:00, I got up, opened my box of drugs and pulled out my first pack of Bravelle, mixed it and went to the sofa. I badly wanted to let hubby do the shot but he's going to gone all week, so I had to do it myself.
OUCH.
I went way too slow and didn't let the alcohol dry first. lessons learned. one day down! 9 more stim days to go (hopefully less!)